Reflections on becoming a grandpa

Our first grandchild is due June 4, 2010. Just learned of this from our daughter, Kristen, and son-in-law, Kevin, within the past two weeks. Beyond the excitement (and apprehensions) of seeing our own children entering the stage of parenting, I observe a sense of continuity and wonder: "What kind of legacy will Ronda and I leave in our descendants?" What trends, habits, life patterns and values will they become known for?

It has been said that the true test of parenting is not how your OWN CHILDREN turn out; it is how your GRANDCHILDREN turn out. Not that I am going to sit around worrying or fretting about this. But I do take pause and evaluate how well we have prepared our own children to parent the next generation. Hopefully they will succeed in spite of our own shortcomings.

From left: Josh (our son), Lyndsey (his wife), Lavern & Ronda, Jessica (our daughter), Kristen (our daughter) and Kevin (her husband)

Preventing defeat by calling a timeout

(Article submitted to Xenia-Gazette)

You know what a “timeout” is, right? Sports teams call them to stop the clock, to regroup, to interrupt their opponents’ momentum, to clarify strategy or to just catch their breath.

As an athlete and occasional coach myself, I have appreciated the value of timeouts. Amazing how helpful a break in the action can be, sometimes spelling the difference between victory or defeat.

Speaking of defeat, how many couples or family members could benefit from “calling timeout” in the midst of a heated conflict? How effective is it to keep going at each other when both partners are obviously in their emotional brain? The same questions are relative for any setting where conflicts can get out of hand, such as work, church, groups or teams.

Many Proverbs address the value of emotional de-escalation. For example, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (15:1). “Mockers stir up a city, but wise men turn away anger” (29:8). “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (29:11). “An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins” (29:22).

The New Testament also emphasizes the need for controlling anger. “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26, 27). “But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips” (Colossians 3:8). “I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing” (I Timothy 2:8).

So how do these clear exhortations relate to taking a “timeout”? The purpose is to give our “emotional brain” time to cool down so that our “thinking brain” can become productive again. The fact is, we do and say things when angry and emotionally stirred up that we later regret and wish we could reverse. Here are several practical tips on taking a timeout:

Call a timeout when . . . 1) conflict has escalated to yelling, interrupting or belittling, 2) you are aware of significantly increased heart rate or breathing rate, or 3) you feel like screaming, hitting or damaging something.

Call a timeout by . . . 1) saying “I need a timeout to calm down and collect my thoughts”; avoid saying “YOU need a timeout!”, 2) suggesting a time to re-connect (30 minutes to an hour); don’t just leave without saying when you’ll return, and 3) spending time in an activity that helps you calm down (such as journaling, listening to music, running, etc.).

The definition of insanity, according to Albert Einstein, is “doing the same thing again and again while expecting different results”. Sanity would be trying a new approach . . . like calling a timeout when emotions have run over the banks of rationality and self-control.

So, you know what a timeout is, right? Calling one at the right time might help you prevent defeat.

Five year anniversary of key marriage document

(Submitted as press release to Springfield News Sun and The Springfield Paper)

On September 17, 2004 forty-seven religious leaders signed a Community Marriage Policy at Elderly United to “raise the standard” of marriage.

The number of Clark County signers is now approximately 140, with an additional 50 or so each in adjoining Greene and Champaign Counties.

Pastor John Essig of Fellowship Christian Church in Springfield, an original signer, writes: “It is hard to calculate all the benefits from 5 Years of CMP. One thing is sure, that we are far better with it. My hope is that we invest again as we build for another 5 years of CMP cooperation.”

CMP signers pledged to encourage a one year courtship, provide premarital preparation for 4 to 6 months and raise up marriage mentor couples to provide mentoring for all stages of marriage.

Lavern Nissley, Executive Director of Marriage Resource Center, sees the CMP as crucial for ongoing marriage stability: “We estimate that some 700 marriage failures didn’t happen as a result of this collaboration.”

The original CMP with signatures is displayed at Marriage Resource Center of Miami Valley, 616 North Limestone in Springfield. A listing of signers, photos and videos are posted at http://www.marriageresourcecenter.org/.

Couples honored for long-lasting marriages

(Springfield News-Sun article, 4/17/09)
Six inducted into MRC’s Marriage Hall of Fame for long-lasting relationships

By Bridgette Outten
Staff Writer

SPRINGFIELD — Don’t go to bed angry. Make your spouse feel important. Be secure in your marriage.
    Those pieces of advice were a few words of wisdom from couples who were honored in a reception hosted by the Marriage Resource Center of Miami Valley on Thursday, April 16. They also have been inducted into MRC’s Black Marriage Hall of Fame.
    But the advice wasn’t all serious.
    “Smoking, drinking and real good blues,” Ralph Goodwin responded when asked about the secret of his 51-year-old marriage to his wife, Marlene.
    Marlene Goodwin poked her husband affectionately and added, “respect for one another,” to the list.
    The couples honored were the Goodwins, Darryl and Lynn Crockett, William and Hazel Carter, Sonny and Beverly Young, James and Ella Smith, and Clarence and Winifred Miller, who could not attend the reception. The five couples in attendance have more than 200 years of marriage combined.

    It’s the first time the MRC has recognized March 22 as Black Marriage Day because of the need to show “the importance and significance of marriage in the African-American community,” Executive Director Lavern Nissley said.

     At 66 years, the Carters had the longest run of the couples. They said they respect each other and put each other first.

    The Smiths, married for 63 years, said the relationship has to be give and take.

    None of the couples said making a marriage work is easy. “Marriage is work,” Lynn Crockett said. “It doesn’t have to be hard work, but it is work.”

    Though Darryl Crockett claimed that every husband should just say “Yes, dear,” and “You might be right,” he agreed with his wife of 30 years that “marriage is a choice. You have to choose to make it work.”

    And there’s one element that can’t be forgotten. “I love Sonny,” said Beverly Young, speaking of her husband of 31 years. “He’s my best friend.”

Contact this reporter at (937) 328-0374 or boutten@coxohio.com.

Fathering after your nest is empty

(Submitted as articles for The Springfield Paper and Xenia Gazette)

     We stood with hearts pounding just outside the rear sanctuary doors on June 21, 2008. She was clinging to my right arm, my little girl-turned-beautiful-bride about to make the journey of her lifetime down the center aisle. As her father, I realized that the thirty some steps before us would forever change the nature of our relationship. I would no longer be her chief protector and provider. That mantle would soon be worn by a young man who had steadily won her heart and her affection.
     But I will still be her father.
     It is quiet now at home. Several times a day I walk past three large portraits representing our three grown children, no longer in our “nest”. Sometimes my heart catches a bit as I realize that some of my fondest memories of them as children are in the past, only to be relived through photographs and home videos. They no longer need my help with getting dressed, meal preparation, completing homework, driving them to events or being tucked in at night.

     But I will still be their father.
     What does fathering look like after children leave home? Are a father’s providing and protecting instincts now obsolete and unneeded? Following are some tangible ways I have found fathering to continue even after the nest is empty.
     Entrust them to THE Father of all. Even though my children are no longer under my direct fatherly supervision, they ARE under God’s. My children still face challenges, fears, temptations and failures. What better way to serve them than to hold them up daily to their heavenly Father for blessing and protection.
     Share counsel (with permission) and release. As children reach majority age and acquire more independent decision-making skills, the dynamics of fatherly instruction changes. If I have red flags, I can ask them if they are open to my input, share it honestly, but then release them to make their own decisions.
     Continue blessing and encouraging. We never outgrow the emotional need of having a dad who is simply there as our main supporter in life. Although it may not be a daily dose—as it was when living at home, my children still need the validation and support of their dad.

     Father the fatherless. There are many children, youth and adults who have never experienced healthy fathering. Perhaps through abuse, absence or negligence they simply missed out on the precious bond with a firm, loving father that influences all of life. In the absence of the many demands that at-home children can generate, I can invest in children, youth or adults that would benefit from a healthy father influence. Mentoring opportunities abound in our community, and empty nest fathers may simply need a gentle nudge to continue fathering in this manner.

     As I look back over these few reflections, my eyes have become a bit misty. I deeply love my three children--Jessica, Josh and Kristen--and what they have become in both character and achievements. The father in me just never wants to quit.

     But just because they are no longer living at home does not mean that fathering is done for me. Yes, it has changed in structure and intensity. Some days may go by with very little conscious thought of their well-being or activities.

     But I will always be their father.