Sow Generously--Reap Bountifully

By Becki Robinson
Greene County Marriage Resources Coordinator
(Submitted to Xenia-Gazette)

I had a favorite plant that just died recently. It was a beautiful purple “butterfly” shamrock. Actually it was a purple Oxalis Triangularis. I am not really good with plants but I had carefully tended this plant for nearly a year. Then we went on vacation. It was only for a week and I thought that my plant would be fine. It wasn’t. Now my purple flowerpot (it matched the plant) is empty. I have been trying to revive it, hoping that somewhere under the soil there is still a spark of life but so far my plant still appears to be lifeless.

As much as I am grieving over the death of my plant, I know what killed it….my neglect. I had discovered the basic principle of reaping and sowing. “A man reaps what he sows.” (Galatians 6:7) Plants are living organisms that require sunlight, air, water, and nutrition. When one of these is not present the plant will die. It’s that simple. If I want to be able to continue to enjoy the beauty of my purple butterfly shamrock, I have to be willing to invest my time, attention and resources consistently.

About the same time that my plant died, my husband, Rex and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. As I looked back over the past thirty years, I realized something about marriage. The relationship of marriage is a lot like my plant. Marriage is not an institution but a living covenant. The marriage covenant requires a living man and a living woman. For the relationship of marriage to thrive, it must be nurtured just like my plant. For a marriage to grow and endure through the years, both the husband and the wife must be willing to invest their time, attention and resources consistently.

However, too often, our marriages are taken for granted. We begin to neglect this living relationship. Not necessarily on purpose, but the relationship seems to be going along fine and life is busy. We begin to focus our time, energy and resources on our careers, our children or ourselves. Then one day we wake up and discover that, like my plant, our marriage has begun to wilt or perhaps even die. The good news is that unlike my plant, a marriage can be revived when we begin to reinvest our time, attention and resources consistently and purposefully.

My question for you today is: Are you sowing into your marriage? Whether you are just beginning your marriage or celebrating your 30th anniversary you need to be nurturing your relationship. Whether you consider your marriage to be thriving and healthy or struggling and gasping for life, you need to be sowing into this vital union. Second Corinthians 9:6 says, “Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. If you take the time to sow generously into your marriage you will reap a bountiful harvest.

The Marriage Resource Center has two upcoming opportunities for you to sow into your marriage. Our RINGS marriage seminar will be offered on Saturday, August 21st from 8:45am to 5:00pm at Emmanuel Baptist Church. Our marriage retreat will be held on September 10th and 11th at the Hilton Garden Inn in Beavercreek. The retreat, First Comes Love Then Comes Money, will feature The Money Couple. For more information or to register for these opportunities please visit our website at http://www.marriageresourcecenter.org/ .

Plants are easy to replace; marriages are not. I encourage you to recommit yourself to investing your time, attention and resources into this awe-inspiring relationship of marriage. Sow generously and be prepared to reap an abundant harvest.

What is getting between you and your spouse?

(Submitted to Xenia-Gazette)
Most couples begin their marriage journey full of optimism, joy a certainty that they will go the distance. Rarely would a couple exchange vows and rings while thinking, “My life is going to be absolutely cruddy from this day forward.”

Marriage was designed to be ongoing. When Jesus replied to a question on divorce from religious authorities, he proclaimed: "Haven't you read . . . that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." (Matthew 19:4-6 NIV)

The picture of being united in marriage is like two pieces of wood being glued together. One would think there is no way they could ever come apart.

But they do. Not all at once. But gradually, incrementally and almost imperceptibly the two who were joined together experience marital creep, often from a small gap to a vast chasm. Why and how does this happen?

Two friends of ours, Tim and Linda Buttrey, have developed a diagram on The Journey to Disconnectedness. They are “experts” on disconnection, for they have experienced it themselves. After a near fatal extra-marital affair Tim and Linda found healing and restoration, returning to the original design of marriage that includes fidelity, unity and commitment. They founded Restoration Resources (http://www.restorationresources.us/) as an avenue of strengthening marriages and promoting intimacy.

The following stages from The Journey to Disconnectedness illustrate the progression from connection and intimacy to total disconnection and lack of intimacy.

Fatigue – Many demands from work, children, family, finances, health issues, etc. result in things coming between us.

Irritability/Insensitivity – Responses to each other are characterized by yelling, shutting down, criticism, sarcasm and cynicism, resulting in moving against each other.

Aloneness – Lack of physical and emotional closeness, transparency or honesty, fear of rejection and deep loneliness result in moving away from each other.

Arrogance and Alienation – Descending into self-pity, self-absorption and self-seeking results in a mindset of blaming each other.

Adulteries of the heart – Engaging in pornography, flirting, workaholism or fantasizing results in an emotional or mental filling of the void.

Addiction – Engaging in sex, drugs, shopping, food, work, excessive exercise or an external relationship results in a total replacing of the original relationship and intimacy.

Each stage of disconnection is progressively more extreme, carrying increased dangers of actually “burning bridges” behind you. While all married couples can relate to the first two stages of fatigue and irritability, the remedies of acquiring rest and expressing apologies can keep disconnection from progressing through the more advanced stages.

Two other friends of ours, K. Jason and Kelli Krafsky, have just authored Facebook and Your Marriage. With the explosion of Facebook users, especially in the age 40-55 demographic, online flirting and emotional affairs are on the rise. The Krafskys bring wise well-crafted boundaries for couples to implement as Facebook users. The book can be pre-ordered at http://www.fbmarriage.com/.

Would you commit to becoming more aware of what has gotten between you and your spouse? That is the first step. Then seek out resources to help you regain the connection and intimacy you once had. We agree with God that your marriage is worth going the distance.

Marriage Fitness in 2010

(Article submitted to Xenia-Gazette)

Many people start the New Year with ambitious resolutions. "I'm going to lose 40 pounds this year." "I'm going to watch less television." "I'm going to save for a Caribbean cruise." There is nothing like starting with a fresh pad of time and a bit of optimism to envision a more positive year than the one just ended.

A pastor friend, Grant Edwards, has observed that many well-intentioned resolutions are external in nature. They focus on that which is visible to others and that brings a sense of outer fulfillment. But what about the inside? Is it possible to look good on the outside but to have an embarrassing mess on the inside?

Jesus observed this flaw in the Pharisees when he said: "You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean." (Matthew 23: 25-26)

Through the mechanism of appearance management we can present a positive front--that which looks good, but with a bit of probing and looking deeper, there is no continuity between inner and outer.

We observe this with many marriage relationships. Couples who appear to have it together surprise us with statements like, "If you only knew what we were like when no one is looking." Sounds like the script for a Dateline murder mystery!

As Valentine's Day and National Marriage Week approach this February, how about taking a truthful and realistic look at the inner workings of your marriage or relationship? This is possible through an online tool, The Couple Checkup. For $29.95 (the cost of an oil change) you can select and complete one of three versions at http://www.couplecheckup.com/: dating, engaged or married. Much like a thorough physical exam, you will receive a detailed report that highlights your strengths and growth edges in a dozen or so categories.

How about a resolution that addresses marriage fitness in 2010? Start with The Couple Checkup and then commit to developing habits that remedy relational growth edges. Work on inner virtues like love, respect, patience, gentleness, listening and serving. If your Couple Checkup reveals serious deficits, seek out resources such as marriage classes, workshops, retreats, mentoring, coaching or counseling.

So your marriage is already healthy? What can you commit to in order to sustain and increase marriage health? Each year Ronda and I set objectives and goals that help us experience marriage health and vibrancy. We have learned that marriage fitness--like physical fitness--doesn't just happen. We have to work at it and hold each other accountable, even after 31 years.

Would you like for your marriage or relationship to be healthier by this time next year? Include a reasonable resolution that will enrich and deepen your marriage--from the inside out.

Lessons from Johnny Lingo and the 8-Cow Wife

(Article submitted to Xenia-Gazette)

One of my all time favorite short stories is “Johnny Lingo and the 8-Cow Wife”. The title sounds a bit demeaning, I know, but the punch-line at the end of the story transcends all negative connotations.

The story involves a puzzling and mysterious bridal transaction by Johnny Lingo for Sarita, a very plain-looking, backward young woman that probably wouldn’t bring a dowry of one cow, let alone eight! Even though Johnny was a master fisherman and business expert, everyone on the South Pacific island of Kiniwata thought he lost big-time when he brought eight cows to Sarita’s father and asked for her hand in marriage. Most brides only brought two, or at most, three cows.



What would motivate someone to “overpay” to such an extreme? Was he arrogant? Was he deluded? Was he blind? This is the mystery behind this little story. So that you can enjoy it for yourself, I will not steal your delight by spilling the punch-line. A link toward the end of this article will allow you enjoy the entire 10 minute story yourself.

I will provide a hint that “Johnny Lingo and the 8-Cow Wife” is a creative example of investing in marriage. Too many couples stop investing after several years, and then wonder where all the sizzle went. Instead of seeing their marriage as a valuable treasure, they come to perceive it as a burden, a mountain or worse—a curse.

A healthy marriage is one of the most valuable “possessions” one can acquire. Yet, it does not become healthy automatically; like a garden, much investment of time, energy and sacrifice is required. Value is added when we sacrificially invest in this most basic, foundational and potentially fulfilling of all relationships.

A recent public service campaign entitled “What have you done for your marriage today?” features “on-the-street” responses to this question. Some individuals and couples respond quickly by sharing of a small act of kindness done for their partner. Others seem to get a “deer in the headlights” look, as if you had just asked them about aliens living in their neighborhood!

I would always like to have a positive answer for anyone who asks me, “Lavern, what you done for your marriage today?” Typically, I could respond with a smile and say, “I made coffee for Ronda” or “I gave Ronda five reasons why I would marry her again” or “I asked Ronda if there is anything she needs from me today”.

Failure to invest in one’s marriage should not lead to surprise in its devaluation. No investment, no gain.

So, are you wondering about Johnny Lingo and why he paid eight cows for a rather non-descript damsel? If you would like to enjoy this memorable 10 minute story, here is the link: http://www.alivewithlove.com/fun/heartwarming/johnnylingo.html.

But please go beyond the story. Be sure to reflect on some new ways to invest in and add value to your own marriage. After all, if you want an 8-cow marriage . . .

Preventing defeat by calling a timeout

(Article submitted to Xenia-Gazette)

You know what a “timeout” is, right? Sports teams call them to stop the clock, to regroup, to interrupt their opponents’ momentum, to clarify strategy or to just catch their breath.

As an athlete and occasional coach myself, I have appreciated the value of timeouts. Amazing how helpful a break in the action can be, sometimes spelling the difference between victory or defeat.

Speaking of defeat, how many couples or family members could benefit from “calling timeout” in the midst of a heated conflict? How effective is it to keep going at each other when both partners are obviously in their emotional brain? The same questions are relative for any setting where conflicts can get out of hand, such as work, church, groups or teams.

Many Proverbs address the value of emotional de-escalation. For example, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (15:1). “Mockers stir up a city, but wise men turn away anger” (29:8). “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (29:11). “An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins” (29:22).

The New Testament also emphasizes the need for controlling anger. “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold” (Ephesians 4:26, 27). “But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips” (Colossians 3:8). “I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing” (I Timothy 2:8).

So how do these clear exhortations relate to taking a “timeout”? The purpose is to give our “emotional brain” time to cool down so that our “thinking brain” can become productive again. The fact is, we do and say things when angry and emotionally stirred up that we later regret and wish we could reverse. Here are several practical tips on taking a timeout:

Call a timeout when . . . 1) conflict has escalated to yelling, interrupting or belittling, 2) you are aware of significantly increased heart rate or breathing rate, or 3) you feel like screaming, hitting or damaging something.

Call a timeout by . . . 1) saying “I need a timeout to calm down and collect my thoughts”; avoid saying “YOU need a timeout!”, 2) suggesting a time to re-connect (30 minutes to an hour); don’t just leave without saying when you’ll return, and 3) spending time in an activity that helps you calm down (such as journaling, listening to music, running, etc.).

The definition of insanity, according to Albert Einstein, is “doing the same thing again and again while expecting different results”. Sanity would be trying a new approach . . . like calling a timeout when emotions have run over the banks of rationality and self-control.

So, you know what a timeout is, right? Calling one at the right time might help you prevent defeat.

Fathering after your nest is empty

(Submitted as articles for The Springfield Paper and Xenia Gazette)

     We stood with hearts pounding just outside the rear sanctuary doors on June 21, 2008. She was clinging to my right arm, my little girl-turned-beautiful-bride about to make the journey of her lifetime down the center aisle. As her father, I realized that the thirty some steps before us would forever change the nature of our relationship. I would no longer be her chief protector and provider. That mantle would soon be worn by a young man who had steadily won her heart and her affection.
     But I will still be her father.
     It is quiet now at home. Several times a day I walk past three large portraits representing our three grown children, no longer in our “nest”. Sometimes my heart catches a bit as I realize that some of my fondest memories of them as children are in the past, only to be relived through photographs and home videos. They no longer need my help with getting dressed, meal preparation, completing homework, driving them to events or being tucked in at night.

     But I will still be their father.
     What does fathering look like after children leave home? Are a father’s providing and protecting instincts now obsolete and unneeded? Following are some tangible ways I have found fathering to continue even after the nest is empty.
     Entrust them to THE Father of all. Even though my children are no longer under my direct fatherly supervision, they ARE under God’s. My children still face challenges, fears, temptations and failures. What better way to serve them than to hold them up daily to their heavenly Father for blessing and protection.
     Share counsel (with permission) and release. As children reach majority age and acquire more independent decision-making skills, the dynamics of fatherly instruction changes. If I have red flags, I can ask them if they are open to my input, share it honestly, but then release them to make their own decisions.
     Continue blessing and encouraging. We never outgrow the emotional need of having a dad who is simply there as our main supporter in life. Although it may not be a daily dose—as it was when living at home, my children still need the validation and support of their dad.

     Father the fatherless. There are many children, youth and adults who have never experienced healthy fathering. Perhaps through abuse, absence or negligence they simply missed out on the precious bond with a firm, loving father that influences all of life. In the absence of the many demands that at-home children can generate, I can invest in children, youth or adults that would benefit from a healthy father influence. Mentoring opportunities abound in our community, and empty nest fathers may simply need a gentle nudge to continue fathering in this manner.

     As I look back over these few reflections, my eyes have become a bit misty. I deeply love my three children--Jessica, Josh and Kristen--and what they have become in both character and achievements. The father in me just never wants to quit.

     But just because they are no longer living at home does not mean that fathering is done for me. Yes, it has changed in structure and intensity. Some days may go by with very little conscious thought of their well-being or activities.

     But I will always be their father.