Celebrating National Marriage Week USA

February 7-14 has been designated as National Marriage Week USA. Kind of a nice reminder around Valentine's Day that there is still something very special about two people who are completely committed to each other. (Cue string music and pictures of roses, a sunset and a couple gazing lovingly into each other's eyes.)

Marriage is more than the emotions, whether they be positive or negative. Marriage is also something we DO together. If done with a healthy relationship in mind, the efforts usually deepen and strengthen the bond.

Ronda and I have made some commitments to each other in order to ensure a healthy marriage. After all, we need to be practicing what we're preaching as we lead Marriage Resource Center!

• Daily: Coffee, RINGS chat and prayer together to start our day. The RINGS chat is an acrostic for Real (what we're really feeling physically, spiritually, emotionally), Intentions (plans for the day), Needs (what we need from each other), Grateful (what we appreciate about the other) and Someday (what we're looking forward to).
• Weekly: A special date, usually Friday evenings. A "stuff huddle" on Sunday morning where we review three items: 10 questions we've composed to keep us accountable to New Year's resolutions, our calendar/schedule for the next 2 weeks, and a household financial update. Our weekly QCQ (Questions, Calandar, Quicken) keeps us on track for the commitments we've made to and on behalf of each other.
• Quarterly: A 2-3 day getaway or retreat. All work and family stuff left behind. We've enjoyed renting a cabin at Buck Creek State Park, bicycling from a bed and breakfast in Xenia, staying in a friend's wooded cabin in Hocking Hills. Nature and quietness are the themes that most help us refresh together.
• Annually: A retreat in November to review the past year and plan for the upcoming year has become a valuable ritual for us. Also, on our anniversary in late December we spend the day together at Barnes and Noble, pick a good movie to watch in a theatre followed by dinner at a good restaurant.

No doubt you as a couple have a number of things you DO together to maintain your sense of commitment and connection. If so, please leave some comments here so that others might benefit. If not, feel free to borrow some ideas from our playbook or ones that show up in comments.

Take some time during this week to build or reinforce some healthy marriage rituals. It's never a bad idea to try some good ideas -- if you both agree.

Marriage Fitness in 2010

(Article submitted to Xenia-Gazette)

Many people start the New Year with ambitious resolutions. "I'm going to lose 40 pounds this year." "I'm going to watch less television." "I'm going to save for a Caribbean cruise." There is nothing like starting with a fresh pad of time and a bit of optimism to envision a more positive year than the one just ended.

A pastor friend, Grant Edwards, has observed that many well-intentioned resolutions are external in nature. They focus on that which is visible to others and that brings a sense of outer fulfillment. But what about the inside? Is it possible to look good on the outside but to have an embarrassing mess on the inside?

Jesus observed this flaw in the Pharisees when he said: "You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean." (Matthew 23: 25-26)

Through the mechanism of appearance management we can present a positive front--that which looks good, but with a bit of probing and looking deeper, there is no continuity between inner and outer.

We observe this with many marriage relationships. Couples who appear to have it together surprise us with statements like, "If you only knew what we were like when no one is looking." Sounds like the script for a Dateline murder mystery!

As Valentine's Day and National Marriage Week approach this February, how about taking a truthful and realistic look at the inner workings of your marriage or relationship? This is possible through an online tool, The Couple Checkup. For $29.95 (the cost of an oil change) you can select and complete one of three versions at http://www.couplecheckup.com/: dating, engaged or married. Much like a thorough physical exam, you will receive a detailed report that highlights your strengths and growth edges in a dozen or so categories.

How about a resolution that addresses marriage fitness in 2010? Start with The Couple Checkup and then commit to developing habits that remedy relational growth edges. Work on inner virtues like love, respect, patience, gentleness, listening and serving. If your Couple Checkup reveals serious deficits, seek out resources such as marriage classes, workshops, retreats, mentoring, coaching or counseling.

So your marriage is already healthy? What can you commit to in order to sustain and increase marriage health? Each year Ronda and I set objectives and goals that help us experience marriage health and vibrancy. We have learned that marriage fitness--like physical fitness--doesn't just happen. We have to work at it and hold each other accountable, even after 31 years.

Would you like for your marriage or relationship to be healthier by this time next year? Include a reasonable resolution that will enrich and deepen your marriage--from the inside out.